NYFW 2.0: The End Of Blogging

I lived the fast life for all of 10 days this month. I attended New York Fashion Week once again,  seeing approximately 15 shows including Malan Breton, Just Drew, and Raul Penaranda - former designer for Oscar de la Renta. 

Dreams x Reality

I've never believed in the concept of forever. Love, money, and even life has an expiry date. For one reason or the other things end and when they do we store these experiences as memories. Sorting them into boxes labelled "highs" and "lows". We cling to the highs, cherishing them and making sure they never leave our hearts. Stored in an imaginary box - beautifully designed. 

My box is black with intricate gold detailing. Inside displays the wooden frame and scribbled on the frame are words like "passion" "enchantment" "creativity" "love" "laughter" "selflessness".  Inscribed elegantly in cursive writing are the best memories of my life on rectangular pieces of parchment paper.  This box is my sacred home. The place I go to wonder, to find inner peace, joy and feelings of pure ecstasy. The place that makes me truly believe that we can control our minds to feel anything we want it to feel. 

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The blurred lines between dreams and reality. 

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When I wake up in the morning, I lay still in my warm toasty bed for another few minutes and draw from my box of highs and in that moment I relive treasured memories. Then comes a surge of energy that makes me want to jump start the day with enthusiasm and grit. 5 minutes passes by and then 8 minutes and more until time is irrelevant and suddenly I am in this dream world that I have constructed for myself. Wandering around the cobbly streets of France, swimming in the oceans of Bali, writing a best seller book, creating a kick ass movie and more. Everything feels real. Everything is real. My heart begins to race and I no longer want to sleep, I want to act. I want to get up and find a way to manifest these dreams. A beautiful feeling of excitement, enchantment all curated with the power of the mind. It's sensational. It's magic. 

I want to take you back to my concept of luxury and what it really means to live a luxurious life. 

Often we find ourselves doing things for the wrong reasons: to impress friends and family, to curate a certain image of ourselves, or simply to keep up with the Kardashians. It's important to know that this is not leading a life of luxury. The constant feeling to impress is a drug instilled in all of us, easily disabled by endeavouring in things with purpose and selflessness. As humans emotion is our most powerful tool, our friend or our enemy.  

Luxury is changing your state of mind. Luxury is letting the precious box of highs to drive you. Luxury is comfort and balance. And here's the real truth: Luxury will always be exclusive to those who know how to control their minds. To borrow luxury is to buy cars, flashy things and designer clothes but to own luxury is to control the mind. So what is it going to be? 

Do you want to borrow luxury or do you want to own it?  

Do you believe in Luxury?

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The word lust originated from the latin word luxuria. The first of seven deadly sins. It seems what we hold the most importance to in this world are the things that have the potential to kill us.

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"What is luxury?" A little voice in my head asks. 

"A state of mind." I answer. 

"No, no. What is the traditional meaning of luxury?" The voice taunts.

And so the voice continues, whispering hints like: 

"Remember that Sports car you want to drive, the Givenchy dress you want to wear, the €20,000 a night 7 star hotel you want to sleep in..."

Opulence. Vanity. Materialism. Consumerism.

Slowly I begin to falter. Slowly I begin to submit to what the world wants me to believe luxury is. I start imagining all of the things I want but do not have. I create a false reality and lock those thoughts in my head and call it my happy place. The place where all my dreams come true.

And then I wake up, banging headache forced back to reality. Compelling thoughts swimming around in my mind.

'2%. That's how much of the world lives this way. Why do you want to live like that? You don't even know how they live or what they have to do to keep the life they have.'  

Lies. Deceit. Manipulation. Pressure. Loneliness. Enemies. Conspiracies. 

NO NO NO NO NO. That is not what I imagined. All I see are fancy dinner parties, large chandeliers, Dom Perignon. The beautiful smell of decadence. 

Do it. Imagine yourself with all of the materialistic goods you've ever wanted. Can you feel that high? 

Except it seems we want things that can only kill us. 

But why let something kill you when you can kill it first? 

Meet Luxury Type II

This blog is about luxury but not in the way you imagine.

Diamants au chocolat will continue to morph the new meaning of luxury using virtues and vices in fashion and travel, through powerful storytelling and defining what it is we really want.

Everything we do in life is to change the way we feel. We don't fall in love with brands because of their manufacturing strategies. We fall in love with stories and communities. Something that is able to enchant us. 

Here is my challenge. Exploring luxury without the price tag. Are you ready for this?

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Be too prideful to let lust rule your life. Be greedy with your happiness and too lazy for envy.

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2015: The Recap

2016: The Change

We like to keep our New Year's Resolutions to ourselves because we are afraid that we won't achieve everything we set out to. We are cowards who refuse to hold each other accountable. We sneer at each other and say "HA as if you're really going to do that" or whisper condescending little sayings like "and how will you manage that exactly?" Only because we are scared of ourselves. We are scared of our power in different ways. Some of us are so scared that we laugh at others who try to achieve things we KNOW in ourselves that we can't (what?) achieve. "If I can't do it, she definitely can't." OR can she? So you panic and write a quick list that'll stay buried under your bed because you're scared of what people might say if you don't tick off absolutely everything.

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The inner voice of a coward. 

"Loser."

"All talk - no action."

"HA! Arrogant to begin with."

"I thought so."

 Not 'I told you so.' Because I would never have the guts to tell you to your face that I was hoping you wouldn't make it. I didn't want to feel like you are ultimately better than me because you take actions and I suffer consequences. 

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Those of us who are sane enough to know that << if he/she can achieve her dreams, then so can I  >>  have the ultimate power. We don't wait around for someone to tell us that we are good enough. We just get to work and do what needs to be done.

We're not bitching and crying about who has what. We count on hard work and hard work never disappoints.

I'm about to begin part two of two of getting my shit together with integrity, purpose, inner peace and the belief that anything that can happen, will happen. 

Most of you will find the confidence within yourselves to achieve anything you want in 2016. You'll sit down tonight or tomorrow, jut down a few goals and chase them like your life depends on it. Because it does. 

You have my undying support. Go for it. Start now and don't look back. 

Dreams of 2016: New York, LA, London, Italy, Thailand, French, completing writing and business projects, good friends, good food, being outrageous & dancing a little in the rain. 

I think I'll keep the hair too.

2015: Lessons Learned

*These quotes represent everything 2015 has taught me. I hope 2016 comes with more lessons, experiences and thought provoking changes.

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Personal 

"I want to have a spontaneous, passionate and crazy life that's worth telling."

"Consider becoming the type of energy that no matter where you go or where you are, you always add value to the spaces and lives of those around you."

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Love

"You've got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You've got to love yourself."


"Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticise others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger."


"Being a true badass has no weight or gender requirement - just 100% commitment to greatness."


"So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."

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Success 

"If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all."


"Effort won't betray you."


 "Great things take time."


 "You are allowed to outgrow people."

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Superficiality 

"Laugh at the men who tell you you're pretty. You are more than that."

"Be independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny - a thousand things, before pretty."

"The best things in life aren't things."

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Life | Late Nights

I promised myself that I would post something new at least 15 times this month. Today is the 22nd of December and I can admit that I am slacking a little bit but all for good reason. For me to write consistently on this site, I need to stop for a minute and live outside of the bubble of social media so that I can come back with new ideas, new experiences and sometimes a new perspective. That's exactly what I attempted to do in the last seven days. 

I spent a lot of time hanging with family, Facebook calling my sister who lives in the UK, jump rope sessions with my brother to get our hearts racing as we watched the moon disappear behind the fog several times only to reappear 5 seconds later (magic?), drinking a stupendous amount of wine with old friends and new friends.

Remember when I said I couldn't find my old self? Well she reappeared this week. Bold, daring, unashamed, unafraid. The girl who has fun because it's literally in her DNA. Staying up late staring at the ceiling with my hand on my racing heart. Why is my heart racing in the middle of the night? Why am I even awake? Do I sleep? No. I just dream out loud.

Do you ever get a feeling that something REALLY good is about to happen and you don't know how to even deal with the thought? So your heart races in anticipation. You're energetic and all of a sudden you're being goofy and silly. Taking nothing seriously except living. Content with what you have, not seeking anything more but knowing you're about to receive more anyway. It feels great and I feel grateful. If you're friends with me on snapchat, you'll notice how silly I'm being - taking countless selfies/videos. I'm trying to distract myself. I am anxious and excited and I do not know how to contain it. It's ridiculous. Ridiculously good. 

Wow this sounds so badly written but can you feel that? My excitement is taking over and I don't care if this isn't written in perfect grammar. I don't care if there are spelling mistakes (I do) or if a full stop is missing somewhere. 

I have no desire to be perfect so I do crazy things and reflect on them later. Imperfect but always willing to learn, cheerful but also melancholic. 

Impatient, satirical and critical but I'll never get rid of those aspects - it wouldn't work out. I wouldn't be me.

My Tumblr Accounts

1. Diamants au chocolat

2. Kilimanjaro Stars

3. Prettified Allure

Life | Killing Smiles

I caught the flu last week (didn't everyone?) ultimately destroying my concentration level. Even worse than losing concentration, I lost my appetite. Can you imagine the devastation when your favourite pastime is consuming food? My snapchat went from grade A food to grade C selfies. What. A. Hard. Life.

As a result of the flu and some kind of intolerance to all things wheat and lentils, I found myself with plenty of unused late night hours - half staring at the ceiling, half dreaming of 2016. Fun isn't it? Knowing you can wake up any morning and decide what your next step is. There are so many places I would like to visit and so many projects I'd like to complete. 2015 has been the biggest roller coaster of my life: lots of surprises, lots of challenges, lots of decision making and hefty prices to pay. With the best came the absolute worst - it shook me up more than I thought it would. Sometimes I feel like a shadow of myself and if I'm honest, I don't know what to do with her. I'd like to say I'm stronger for it but really I have a lot to learn. 

So I can assure you I'm feeling the pressure, but in a "this is going to breed diamonds" kind of way. 

I'll let you in on one of the first moves for 2016: I'm restructuring the 'Lookbook' section on Diamants au chocolat. Posting outfit photos on a blog is so 2013. I mean we have Instagram now for blatant self promotion - do we need a blog too? I don't think so. Or maybe I'm just redefining what a blog is...or maybe this won't be a blog at all. 

Yep, Diamants au chocolat is about to change a whole lot yet again in 2016. I've been highly focused on innovation and with that, I finally think what I will be doing in the next two years could possibly 'break the (already saturated) Internet'. Something so big that I'm going to need to hire a team. I'm sure you know I can't say much (because there are daggers in men's smiles hmm) but I will leave you with this - 

Don't let people tell you you're not good enough to do something because more often than not, you're better than what they tell you you are. 

My Tumblr Accounts

1. Diamants au chocolat

2. Kilimanjaro Stars 

SNAPCHAT: @ayisha_o

INSTAGRAM: @ayisha_ogbara

Life | Lost Connections

I've read almost three books since my last life post. I say almost because I have a habit of reading three or more books at the one time, which probably says a lot about me - mainly that I get bored and distracted quite easily. These days I find myself more connected to people I don't know - journalists, authors, researchers but most of all fictional characters. One can say It's easier to get to know characters in a book because their story is so openly and honestly told. Human beings however are far more complex. We keep secrets. In this day and age of social media we give less information and display one sided lives. We hide the dark thoughts and burdening emotion in order to appear less vulnerable. 

When I came back from Canada, I thought I was the same person as I was prior to my move. That turned out not to be true. Setting foot on Irish soil proved it. Everything and everyone were the same but I was different. I had picked up new values, new behaviours and a new way of thinking in 2015, which to my surprise further isolated me from my own world that I had already carefully built. A world that I left in one piece, hoping to come back to it just like I left it. But I was different. 

The world I once built for myself didn't fit anymore. 

In Canada I met people with different interests and staggering ambition. It fuelled me but most of all it excited me. Suddenly I wanted to do more and in that half a year I achieved more than I ever set out to in the first place. Yep, every single one of my New Years Resolutions came to pass. Every single one. And I don't dream 'small' - ever 

...but damn was it harder than I expected. 

Then came my move back to Ireland. No one around me was going through working for hours on end, facing risks, putting together business  plans and proposals, opening rejection emails, to simpler things like changing dietary lifestyle - or at least they didn't talk about it. I didn't talk about it either.

So I drowned myself in TV shows and books and people that talked about the things I was facing. I learned about the 10, 000 hour rule where in order to become great at something, the minimum of 10, 000 hours of work must be achieved. My focus is no longer on who gets it or who gets me (although it would be nice to know people facing the same debacle IRL) but the work I'm doing and why I'm doing it. It's lonely for now yes but a part of me thinks It's going to be worth it. 

After all the future is looking very very bright.

Life | Russian Roulette

I haven't written on here in a while because I didn't have anything to say. Instead I finished two books and roughly 8 seasons of Grey's Anatomy. I bought four more books last night and now have a total of 12 books to read before the New Year. Seeing as I've watched almost every TV show there is, that shouldn't be an issue.

Right now though I feel like a 'tortured artist'. Things to say but not many smart ways to say them. Yesterday morning I considered having a bottle of Rosé for Breakfast. Haven't you heard? That is what tortured artists do. They seek solace in alcohol or other recreational activities to allow themselves to say the things they find so hard to admit when their minds are in one piece. Alcohol breaks down the brain into pieces disallowing it to think clearly, to think rationally. And since creativity lies in irrationality...you get the picture. Plenty of gifted wine bottles lounge around my home with yet nobody to drink them. Give it time, I'll start soon.

An all or nothing mentality. It's probably why the word half bothers me so much. Luke warm showers, cold toast, half assed romance books, half filled glasses. If I can't get a high off something, then I don't want it. If I don't feel like a project is worth doing, I won't do it. I'll miss small opportunities because of that. Small opportunities that could lead to bigger things. Instead I wait for the large 'once in a lifetime opportunity' sailing my way in the hopes that when I make the jump, I'll land in the right place at the right time. There is no such thing as 'genius', or 'special' or 'gifted'. All there is is preparation and an expiration date. We all get that one chance and most of us miss it. 

All or nothing. A Roulette game that I'm very much ready to play.

Life | Abstract

Today in this moment I am happy. Not because anything special happened to me. I didn't win the lottery. I didn't leave the country and I certainly didn't find love in a hopeless place. But I'm happy because I choose to be. Self awareness is the most liberating concept in the freaking world. I am a lot of things. Stylish, charismatic, creative, chatty, sensitive, cynical, pessimistic, un-relatable, blunt.  Recently I've found myself embracing all of these traits, not treating them as strengths or flaws but simply recognising them as who I am. Knowing that It is okay to accept every single thing about myself in a world that aggressively promotes rejection is liberating. It makes me want to break barriers and let the world in. It makes me want to soar.

I don't believe people have the ability to change who they are. Improvise, reconstruct, yes but who you are within will never change. You simply cannot wipe the painting on a canvas clean. But what you can do is add more paint to turn it into what you want it to be. This is what I hope to do. To paint beautifully an abstract art of everything that I am and everything I aspire to be. I look forward to seeing the end result. I look forward to liberating myself. 

Life | Disconnect

I watched a Ted Talk by Brene Brown a couple of days ago and it really hit home. It was about vulnerability: letting yourself be vulnerable, showing true emotions when you feel them instead of locking them away, being honest with yourself, and running far away from the concept of perfection. Being raw emotionally, mentally and artistically. 

I want to learn to thrive with imperfections and dismiss this constant feeling of needing to be perfect at everything I do. I've always been hyper-competitive. I like to win and I like to win big, no matter the cost. It's kind of dangerous if you think about it because It means when I fall, I hit the ground hard. There's this part of me that knows that I'm constantly breaking my own heart by being a perfectionist. I become calculative and lose all sense of artistic ability. Because I feel like I am not good enough. Constant thoughts of I'm not doing enough. That my being is not enough for the world. So I strive for better and I push harder without realising that greatness lies in imperfect things, imperfect situations and imperfect pieces of art. 

I started reading old articles on Diamants au chocolat today, mentally shredding some posts into pieces with fierce scrutiny. Picking at it like a bitter and overpriced salad. I don't want to do that anymore. In fact, I won't. I'm going to allow myself to grow day by day. Make plenty of mistakes and live without fear. I know what that entails now - living fearlessly - It is to be your most authentic self, getting rid of that one little hinderance that we all know as ego (or pride) and giving yourself the chance to be real. 

DIAMANTS au chocolat @ NYFW

Setting the Scene

Fashion week is the silent catfight nobody ever tells you about. Everybody's fighting for attention. Everyone's hungry for success. Everyone is stuck in their own world of aesthetic beauty, impeccable style and social eloquence. If you think you are going to be the best dressed princess at the ball, think again...because there will always be someone who has worked harder on their outfits than you, spent more time curating outstanding ideas, and developed a better interpretation of the following year's trends. 

As strangers take their seats next to other strangers, there is a feeling of importance in the air.   Businessmen and women, buyers, designers and digital influencers surround the area. A-List celebrities flood the city. iPhones are at the ready, legs are crossed elegantly, and as the sound of chatter turns into the sound of music, expressions go from engaging smiles to poker faces. Yes, fashion shows are serious business. 

New York: The City That Fuels My Soul

(Img source: unknown)

So I'm sitting in a cafe (Starbucks but cafe just sounds better you know?) in Time Square, New York - at a shared table; sort of like what you see in libraries. There are strangers all around me - grad students studying, businessmen reading broadsheet newspapers or typing away on MacBooks and retired grown ups simply listening to music. Jazz is playing. A general mix of people and that's exactly what I like. 

How can something so simple feel so surreal? My heart is in my throat, this time beating twice as fast. My eyes hurt and I can only keep them half open but I don't care. I want to see everything, every minute of the day. Sleep is a foreign word to me, I don't know it. I don't want to know it. The unkept streets intrigue me, the skyscraper buildings confuse my mind. How can building be so tall? Is this real life? New York is a different world of its own - unique in its culture, presence and atmosphere. I don't want to leave...but I have to. It's the right thing to do.

On my trip here, I've learned how much more I still need to grow in order to be the person I crave to be. There's this feeling inside of me that screams 'I want to take over the world.' And I'm sure the 10 million people who live here all feel the same way. This city is drenched in ambition. The 24 hour hustle. 

If you're sleeping for more than 6 hours a day in New York, you're doing something wrong. I like that. I crave that. So far It's been 72 hours of all work and no sleep for me. 10 hours since I've last eaten a solid meal. Instead, my passion feeds me. It fuels my soul. If New Yorkers are fighting day and night to survive, to achieve something, to build something for themselves, then what the hell am I doing? I need to increase my level of commitment and strive for greatness.

In my eyes, from those who drag out the bins to those who own multi million dollar companies, everybody is a winner in New York. Because when they fall or take a wrong turn, they adjust and keep going no matter what. There's nothing more valuable than knowing how to survive in a world that is ready to tear you down.

I've always been an introvert at heart, meaning I work best when I am on my own. Not shy or awkward at social events but simply the preference of growing with no outside influences. I can think for myself clearly, my focus is static and my appetite for success is larger. On my own, I do what I need to do to turn my visions into something real.

And the craziest thing about being here? I came on my own... but I don't feel alone.

Life | A Rocky Start

You think it's cool to hate things. And it's not. It's boring. Talk about what you love and keep quiet about what you don't. 

I've been gone for a little while now and I know my inconsistency will be the death of me but I have one word for you- one nasty, prolific, vulgar word that is totally dead to me. Chicken pox. And it ain't fun as an adult. I would love to get into the gory details with you but my traffic is my currency and I'd rather not scare you away. 

Instead I'll bring you through what it felt like to be prepping, planning and organising a big project only to be completely derailed when things are starting to pick up. I know I don't have to explain this feeling to many of you because It happens to everyone. Plans never pan out the way you want them to so why do we still make them?

Improvisation is the name of the game. If you can't learn to improvise, you might as well pack up your ambitions, inhibitions and whatever else you thought you were bringing to the table and go home. 

So while I was still playing "woe is me" watching Diamants au chocolat remain inactive, not speaking to friends and barely to family, I treated myself with such self hate. I played the craziest music on the sound system with my room door shut (obviously feeling rebellious LAWL), ate barely anything and spoke very little. I hated myself and I hated everything I had become and now I want to take this minute to apologise to myself because the thoughts that swarmed in and out of my mind in the last 2 weeks can't be tolerated. I was wrong. I am not a failure. I cannot control every possible circumstance. Shit simply happens. 

Life is an obvious game of Russian Roulette. You don't know what's coming next but cashing in and cashing out is always up to you. After seeing my scars (which are plentiful) from the chicken pox, I was absolutely ready to cash out. I wanted out and I wanted out fast. I suddenly wanted to be a normal University kid who had a part time job and partied on the weekends. I no longer wanted the life that was drawn out for me; too much hassle, too many emotions.

In fact, a little part of me didn't want to be a 'blogger' anymore. I can safely admit that I dislike the word- I always have- It's mediocre. Especially with the drama that goes on 'behind the scenes'. Blogger vs. Blogger or Corporation vs. Blogger or even Readers vs. Blogger. Only lately have I realised that sometimes we think we're being critical when in reality all we're being is cruel- omitting compliments when they are due, refusing to support people that are doing well, making sly comments all for a sense of self importance. It has to stop. It's messy and I don't like mess. 

And then of course I realised I wanted to be the change I craved to see. My entrepreneurial spirit is huge and what I want to do with a brand like Diamants au chocolat is beyond anything you could possibly imagine. I'm going to need people in order to turn this into the successful and credible company I want it to be. I crave to work with only positive, mindful, ambitious, creative people who are ready to fight for my vision. For me to attract such people into my life, I need to become that. So I've taken my devil advocate's hat off for a little while to focus on being those things. I'm working on myself a lot these days so my social media presence is a little lack lustre, I'm a little less social and I generally spend a lot of my time by myself. I like that. You can't figure things out on social media because social media is a facade: a game we all play for one reason or another. 

Currently, I'm working on a stronger immune system by eating good foods that will nourish me, I'm reading books at a crazy rate, I'm working on my creative self and most importantly my inner self. Learning all the time new things about me and my surroundings. 

Life | Social Media Façade

Realise you can be happy this moment for no reason. Otherwise, you eternally depend on conditions for happiness. Unconscious of this moment, you remain a victim of circumstances.

"...How to capture it? I guess by doing what I love, eating well, talking to my siblings, laughing with my mother, chatting with my friends and actually making a conscious effort to meet up; being more sociable on social media. Going to any place with a smile on my face and appreciating the beauty in life instead of the darkness. 

I never want to feel this feeling of desperation ever again. I don't want to feel like I want something so bad that I'd sacrifice too much for it. I want a balance. Not to feel desperate, not to feel embarrassed when defeat rears its ugly head but to smile and know that trying again is always an option. It's not about how hard the journey is or how you just want to quit all together, it's about knowing that you can take a break, knowing that people are more important than careers, that materialistic goods without meaning are worth nothing but a short, cheap high. It's about building this sense of clarity; of knowing what you want in life and attempting to get it every chance you get. It's about taking chances and not watching them slip by. Nobody said it was easy, they just said it would be worth it."

That was a piece from my recent private diary entry. Unedited. It's so hard to show you what I'm feeling without feeling naked: like someone knows some of my big secrets or something but I feel it's important to share some things with you so that you don't ever get the idea that life should be the perfect fairytale portrayed on social media. 

Instagram and Tumblr. Two of the biggest image based social media networks in the world but only one of them makes me feel frustration. Instagram is the definition of boasting. We share only moments we are proud of, satisfied that our friends, acquaintances (mostly) and strangers now know how great our lives are. Or at least that is how it seems to me. 

On Tumblr, you build a life you want, sharing your feelings through thoughtful quotes, homes you want to live in, clothes you want to wear, all without judgement; just  a community of people who like or want the same things as you. 

And that's the thing. I don't want to lead you to believe that I live a perfect life worthy of your envy. I want you to know that we all have struggles and It is foolish to make it seem like we don't. 

I choose to show you not only my dreams and aspirations but also that life isn't perfect, even though images can be. 

Building a dream life isn't about finding a permanent solution to the pursuit of happiness. If you want your dreams to become reality, embracing the most pleasurable times and the most difficult times is essential because you can't have one without the other. Once you realise accept that there are two sides to a coin, life becomes so much more easier and enjoyable.

Life | Transformation

19:19PM July 7th 2015. 

Again, I am in my usual spot. My cosy bed, wrapped up in a tan sweater dress and some grey skinny jeans. Not at all fashionable and that's how you'll find me when I'm working on something great.  I like to compare it to when artists spend months in a recording studio coming up with their next songs for the album that is supposed to take us to 'new places'. Dressed in sweats, unbrushed hair and barely any makeup. This is what I like to call a blank canvas. An ultimate must to creating a masterpiece. Ah, the masterpiece; the only part of the process we all get access to. I never write in a glamorous setting. I am almost always in ugly clothing, my hair a mess and not an ounce of makeup on my face. I'm using the summer as my creative process, where I come up with new ideas to be born in Autumn/Winter, draw up articles for the current weeks and form new strategies. It's an interesting system.

Positivity. If there's one thing that has been on my mind for the last couple of months, it's finding a way to remain positive. God I'm even finding it hard to write this post. I don't know what I'm admitting to myself other than the fact that I am two people wrapped up in one: taking conflicting traits from both my Mother and Father. I like doing things spontaneously. There's nothing I cherish more than exhilarating experiences. Taking risks that I know might have the biggest payoffs is slowly becoming my forté. I've never liked rules and from a young age I've always questioned them, even rebelled against them. I'm that kind of girl, thanks to Mum. 

However, the more I grow up the more I see that I am not only a moulding of my Mother but also of my Father. 

I am the Devil's advocate. I can find something wrong in absolutely anything and everything. I am aware that everybody values a Devil's advocate but too much of anything often leads to disaster. Having the ability to pick things and situations apart until they are no longer recognisable, is a trait I have a love/hate relationship with. 

I choose to embrace both sides of me no matter what. The older I get, the more I learn that everything (cliché) happens for a reason. Absolutely everything. So why worry about what is going to happen? My focus in life is to allow positive and negative circumstances to shape me into a person who is whole. My attention will never be solely on Plan A or Plan B because those plans are never certain. The universe declares that to us every single day. My positive contribution to society and the people around me however, will be. So I live with no goals in mind, just passion and knowing that one day that will take me directly to where I want to be. 

You have to be happy to admit that you are ignorant and may never find a solution. Even thinking there is an answer is a trap, a dead end.- Rod Judkins. 

Life | The Next Step

The biggest challenge of life is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else. 

I'm sitting in my bed right now currently wrapped up in a duvet with some music on Spotify damaging my ear drums.

Gloomy. That is how I feel after my return from one of the most eccentric countries I have ever been to. Only 3 days into the trip to the South of France and I already felt like I lived there. Like I was French. My best friend Kamilė agrees. Not once did we feel out of place or like we didn't belong. Cliche to say that France has the irresistible je ne sais quoi that will always leave you wanting more. So much so that I am already planning to move there once I finish my Commerce degree. 

About that. I am still trying to make the decision of whether I will finish it this year or the next. My heart isn't in it anymore and that obviously sways the scales but the truth is I'd like to think I'm the type of person who finishes what I started. Until last week, when I realised what was so flawed in that ideology. There is an assumption made that everything we start must be good for us, everything we do will serve us indefinitely. The holes in that statement is infinite. Change is one of the most sacred commitments in the world. If you are unwilling to change with your circumstances, the world will move on without you. No questions asked. That should scare you. I know it scares me. 

I can finish this degree to prove a point to the world; that I can commit to a degree and a budding career simultaneously, or more superficially- that I am  (and I use this word very loosely) 'educated'. There seems to be a problem with always trying to prove ourselves to the world- to our friends, our family members, acquaintances and even strangers. 

Why not prove yourself to yourself Ayisha? I try to remind myself. Why must we live the life that has been pre planned for us by government officials, parents and society when we were born with the ability to create paths that are more daring, rewarding and better yet fulfilling? 

Why not focus on the things that really matter to me like creating a storm in the online world, adding value to people's lives by helping them to get to where they want to be, by condemning the eating of meat and embracing the culture of eating well and living well in the hopes that others might do the same? 

I want to be known for being a generous soul through wealth, passion and most importantly love. I want to embody the art of loyalty and maintain integrity. I want to be the type of person that is as beautiful on the inside as the outside. 

Finishing the degree isn't the issue for me as you can see. One year won't kill me and I know I can do it. The puzzle I'm trying to solve in my head is why.

Living Like Blair Waldorf #7

I wish I could write purely for you. I wish I could lay my emotions for you on paper for you to rip apart and dissect until there is nothing left of it. I haven't found a way to depict an accurate image of what burns inside of me, what soaks my skin, what calms it and what unravels it.

Air. You can feel it cursing through your veins, your arteries and your heart as you race up a hill that seems endless. It is your oxygen and It is your toxin. Your addiction and your solution to survival. 

Fire. It is the path you walk through. When you are sprinting and you feel like your heart wants to drop out of your chest, the pangs of dry dust settling into your throat. An endless desert with no direction and unmistakably, no footpath. 

Water. The feeling of satisfaction that leads you out of the misery of temptation to quit. The quench you need to be a little stronger, a little more efficient and thus to fight a little harder. Counting the stomps of your feet hitting the ground and willing yourself to push further. Just this last time until you build the will power to lie to yourself once more. 'This is the last one'. Fully aware of the hurdles you have yet to jump and the pain you must endure to finish the journey. 

Earth. Damp but comforting. Luke warm but refreshing like the wind on a mild summer's day. A blanket that protects you from birth until death. A shield that gives you a reason to carry on. For if there is no ticking clock, there would be nothing but unsatisfying emptiness present in the world. A feeling of incompletion. A torturous dream of immortality. So we move. We crawl, we walk, we jog and then we sprint in the tiny hopes that we will reap the rewards at the finish line. Unaware that the rewards lay hidden in the journey. In the sweat that pours from your soul, the willingness to love fiercely and the power to fight ferociously. 

When the world thinks you're crazy but the elements understand you. 

Living Like Blair Waldorf #6

A fire in her soul.

I was going to save writing this post for when I get back to Ireland but I felt it was appropriate to start it now. I would not be surprised if you assumed I've been kidnapped considering how long I've been gone. Truth people told, I was kidnapped, kidnapped by hard work and undying passion.

I've reached the point of desperation and there is no feeling that compares to it. In laymen's term it's called rock bottom, desperate for something to work so bad that I gave up everything for it. That is how I would describe my time here in Vancouver.

Can I honestly say with an open heart that I enjoyed every second of it? No. 

Naked. How I felt when I moved here. Everything that made me, me had been taken away. Family, friends, partying, shopping, styling outfits, and of course my wonderful wardrobe of clothes. I crave busy cities, crazy nightlife scenarios and experimental photoshoots. I was forced to recreate myself in a city that repelled every characteristic of my being, as shallow as some of them were. Wallowing trees, silencing waterfalls and reckless sunsets. An assortment of turtle neck sweaters and jeans being worn over and over again. My hair a mess from countless busy nights of carving my path to success.  Do I feel like I've won? Yes and no. 

There's a lot about the journey of chasing dreams that people casually forget to mention. To achieve the dream, you have to give up almost everything. At least at the beginning. It started with one decline to a house party, then a trip to the city and a trip outside of the nest I lived in to visit the most scenic places in the world. I missed it all. Instead, I spent hours researching, planning and organising what is supposed to be the year that will change my life completely. I spent a lot of my time in the gym because of my obsession with controlling everything that is controllable in my life. I can safely say my decisions have become more calculated and deliberate now more than ever. 

I've built this armour around me that no possible distraction could take me away from what I am trying to achieve. Aha a noticeable pattern of being married to your work. Such an enticing, thrilling yet risky relationship to be in. I guess when you start feeling like no one else understands what you're trying to do, that is when you're truly on to something but I won't sit here and lie to you, it's a lonely experience.

So I finally get it. Why most people don't chase their dreams until they are much older, why some prefer to avoid the road of entrepreneurship because of its long, rushed hours and the loneliness that is very much present in abundance. But when you find your calling in this world, I have a strong belief that you need to pick up that phone and greet the bittersweet voice of destiny on the other end, as gracefully and as receptive as you possibly can.

When you stare into the darkness on a cold Winter's night what do you see? The Northern star? The brightness of the moon glaring back at you? Know that the universe is much bigger than you and right now, It is asking you to use your passion to build something great, something bigger than you.