Life | A Rocky Start

You think it's cool to hate things. And it's not. It's boring. Talk about what you love and keep quiet about what you don't. 

I've been gone for a little while now and I know my inconsistency will be the death of me but I have one word for you- one nasty, prolific, vulgar word that is totally dead to me. Chicken pox. And it ain't fun as an adult. I would love to get into the gory details with you but my traffic is my currency and I'd rather not scare you away. 

Instead I'll bring you through what it felt like to be prepping, planning and organising a big project only to be completely derailed when things are starting to pick up. I know I don't have to explain this feeling to many of you because It happens to everyone. Plans never pan out the way you want them to so why do we still make them?

Improvisation is the name of the game. If you can't learn to improvise, you might as well pack up your ambitions, inhibitions and whatever else you thought you were bringing to the table and go home. 

So while I was still playing "woe is me" watching Diamants au chocolat remain inactive, not speaking to friends and barely to family, I treated myself with such self hate. I played the craziest music on the sound system with my room door shut (obviously feeling rebellious LAWL), ate barely anything and spoke very little. I hated myself and I hated everything I had become and now I want to take this minute to apologise to myself because the thoughts that swarmed in and out of my mind in the last 2 weeks can't be tolerated. I was wrong. I am not a failure. I cannot control every possible circumstance. Shit simply happens. 

Life is an obvious game of Russian Roulette. You don't know what's coming next but cashing in and cashing out is always up to you. After seeing my scars (which are plentiful) from the chicken pox, I was absolutely ready to cash out. I wanted out and I wanted out fast. I suddenly wanted to be a normal University kid who had a part time job and partied on the weekends. I no longer wanted the life that was drawn out for me; too much hassle, too many emotions.

In fact, a little part of me didn't want to be a 'blogger' anymore. I can safely admit that I dislike the word- I always have- It's mediocre. Especially with the drama that goes on 'behind the scenes'. Blogger vs. Blogger or Corporation vs. Blogger or even Readers vs. Blogger. Only lately have I realised that sometimes we think we're being critical when in reality all we're being is cruel- omitting compliments when they are due, refusing to support people that are doing well, making sly comments all for a sense of self importance. It has to stop. It's messy and I don't like mess. 

And then of course I realised I wanted to be the change I craved to see. My entrepreneurial spirit is huge and what I want to do with a brand like Diamants au chocolat is beyond anything you could possibly imagine. I'm going to need people in order to turn this into the successful and credible company I want it to be. I crave to work with only positive, mindful, ambitious, creative people who are ready to fight for my vision. For me to attract such people into my life, I need to become that. So I've taken my devil advocate's hat off for a little while to focus on being those things. I'm working on myself a lot these days so my social media presence is a little lack lustre, I'm a little less social and I generally spend a lot of my time by myself. I like that. You can't figure things out on social media because social media is a facade: a game we all play for one reason or another. 

Currently, I'm working on a stronger immune system by eating good foods that will nourish me, I'm reading books at a crazy rate, I'm working on my creative self and most importantly my inner self. Learning all the time new things about me and my surroundings. 

CHAOS

Lookbook | Out of the Blue

Photo credit: Kamile Kvaukaite

The ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world are the ones who do.
- Steve Jobs.

Bass drum. More than the sound of a heartbeat, less than the sound of thunder. Just enough to cause the right amount of impact. When I close my eyes, the world that I see is entirely estranged from reality. 

My woe right now just happens to be the fashion industry. I want to change traditions, hierarchies and selling strategies. My dream is to become a visionary and to achieve that, I must acutely observe every inch of the art. 

I study writers, artists, designers, musicians, movies and even TV shows. I am not a passive person, I don't do things thoughtlessly. Everything I choose to do has been calculated so much, that when I get around to doing it, I am completely immersed. 

There is something advantageous about binding time. There is something advantageous about learning and putting effort into strategy. I want to strip people of sheep clothing with the hopes that they will recognise the gaucheness of following anybody's opinion without much thought or research. 

I want to know what it feels like to earn a million dollars only to give half of it away. I hope to read books by F Scott Fitzgerald, plays by Shakespeare and poems by Maya Angelou. With a view from a Park Avenue apartment in New York and the warmest coffee from a local cafe in hand. A hall graced with paintings by Van Gogh, Picasso, Salvador Dali, Claude Monet and more. Hang up blazers by Balmain, Chanel & Cavalli as mere decoration to admire from afar. Have a wine cellar full of expensive wine only to be opened when there is something to celebrate...or something to mourn.

I want Karl Lagerfeld to point to me and not know what to do with me. Anna Wintour to fall out of her chair, stunned by the impact I create. André Leon Talley to personally thank me for my efforts. From CFDA award winner to breaking news on CNN, my only plan is to change a small part of the world.

I've always liked dressing a little bit preppy. Blazers, turtle necks, button downs and pencil skirts. When you look important, you feel important and the only way to achieve impact is to know that you are important enough to do so. 

Bare It All

Lookbook | Class Clown

Bored. Bored of society. Bored of the system. Bored of judgement. Bored of excuses. I think I am in a stage of my life where the only thing I care about is what I want and how I'm going to get it. Of course, what I want is always in direct correlation with who I want to become. I want to live a daring life and in order to do that I must colour outside of the lines. I want to be strong, courageous and that requires breaking the one rule that is put in place to hinder growth: showing your true self to the world.

And here comes the big but. The idea that there is a correlation between the clothes you choose to wear and who you are makes me laugh. Dressing is the greatest form of deception. When you attend job interviews you dress in a way that will help the employer feel like you are worthy of their trust. When you go to a nightclub, you want to look like you are the life of the party. Can you hear your mother's snide comments on how short that skirt is or how you should 'wear a bra' with that? It is the most interesting thing to observe; people living their lives according to what society deems appropriate. Isn't it about time we break out of those boundaries that confine us into the smallest box? 7,000,000,000 people in a tiny box, no wonder most of us feel like we can't breathe. It's no wonder that while in this small box we're zapping each other's oxygen just to stay alive. 

I feel like I speak of this topic a lot and that is because it's important. Greatness does not come from standardisation. We can't change the world if we all think the same so I'm stepping up to show that it is possible to leave that small confined box to join me in a place of freedom. Freedom in its purest form is knowing that people will judge your every move but continuing to make those moves anyway. Freedom is digging out the dreams you are most passionate about and chasing them like your entire existence depends on it. Freedom is picking the unpopular option on the menu, just because you feel like it.

It's easy to form perceptions about me through the way I choose to dress but at the end of the day you have to remember that it is a choice. In my Stellar interview I mention that I can be "the girl in the long coat, turtleneck dress and over the knee socks, other times, the girl in the leather jacket and grey jeans. There is great liberty in that.

The people you admire in your everyday life, be it entrepreneurs, social influencers or celebrities are doing what you are too afraid to do. There are too many things in this world that exist only to brainwash us but if you are looking for a wake up call to do something you've been wanting to do but never built the courage to do it, this is your sign.

Life | Social Media Façade

Realise you can be happy this moment for no reason. Otherwise, you eternally depend on conditions for happiness. Unconscious of this moment, you remain a victim of circumstances.

"...How to capture it? I guess by doing what I love, eating well, talking to my siblings, laughing with my mother, chatting with my friends and actually making a conscious effort to meet up; being more sociable on social media. Going to any place with a smile on my face and appreciating the beauty in life instead of the darkness. 

I never want to feel this feeling of desperation ever again. I don't want to feel like I want something so bad that I'd sacrifice too much for it. I want a balance. Not to feel desperate, not to feel embarrassed when defeat rears its ugly head but to smile and know that trying again is always an option. It's not about how hard the journey is or how you just want to quit all together, it's about knowing that you can take a break, knowing that people are more important than careers, that materialistic goods without meaning are worth nothing but a short, cheap high. It's about building this sense of clarity; of knowing what you want in life and attempting to get it every chance you get. It's about taking chances and not watching them slip by. Nobody said it was easy, they just said it would be worth it."

That was a piece from my recent private diary entry. Unedited. It's so hard to show you what I'm feeling without feeling naked: like someone knows some of my big secrets or something but I feel it's important to share some things with you so that you don't ever get the idea that life should be the perfect fairytale portrayed on social media. 

Instagram and Tumblr. Two of the biggest image based social media networks in the world but only one of them makes me feel frustration. Instagram is the definition of boasting. We share only moments we are proud of, satisfied that our friends, acquaintances (mostly) and strangers now know how great our lives are. Or at least that is how it seems to me. 

On Tumblr, you build a life you want, sharing your feelings through thoughtful quotes, homes you want to live in, clothes you want to wear, all without judgement; just  a community of people who like or want the same things as you. 

And that's the thing. I don't want to lead you to believe that I live a perfect life worthy of your envy. I want you to know that we all have struggles and It is foolish to make it seem like we don't. 

I choose to show you not only my dreams and aspirations but also that life isn't perfect, even though images can be. 

Building a dream life isn't about finding a permanent solution to the pursuit of happiness. If you want your dreams to become reality, embracing the most pleasurable times and the most difficult times is essential because you can't have one without the other. Once you realise accept that there are two sides to a coin, life becomes so much more easier and enjoyable.

Lookbook | Redefining Chanel

Photo credit: Kamile Kvaukaite

Crowded. We are filming this look by the Chanel store in the South of France when a group of tourists, natives and Chanel staff surround us. "...très jolie." "..une belle fille" and other pieces of French statements slip by but not to my understanding. So much for 8 years of being grilled en français in primary and secondary school. Of course the show must go on so I smile and accept foreign comments gracefully, eventually having to keep posing as passersby stop to observe the scene. 

As I stared into nothingness, thoughts whizzed in and out of my head, like uncontrollable bees during periods of hot climate. What defines the Chanel woman of today? 

'A girl should be two things: who and what she wants.' I believe is what Gabrielle Chanel originally said but as the decades zoom by and new generations manifest, the quote has morphed into a demand; that girls must be 'classy and fabulous'. Of course, anybody who truly knows the history behind Coco Chanel knows that she wanted to abolish the very idea of prim and proper ladies in uncomfortable corsets. To hell with 20 inch waistlines and hello plain laid-back box dresses. 

It shouldn't go unnoticed that Gabrielle would probably find this outfit I've put together completely disdainful to the Chanel brand but then again she hasn't been around for the last 40 something years and things have certainly changed. Just ask Karl Lagerfeld. When I think of modern day Chanel, I think of the words 'loose, comfortable but dangerously artistic'. 

Perhaps some creative directors/stylists/influencers would swap the heels for the sneakers or the mixing of lace and print for something more simple. Some might follow the mantra that the art is in the sheer simplicity of it all but I think Chanel has moved on from simple beginnings and that is something I like very much. 

History is Her Story. What I admire most about the brand is the political stance it portrays when it comes to feminism. Women don't crave attention, we are not delicate little flowers and double standards are socially constructed. When I was younger, my Mum would always try to force me into learning how to cook, do laundry or something all 'potential wives' should know how to do, while my brother lazed around the house observing uninterestingly. Like any rebellious teen of the 21st century, I refused to learn. Just like I refuse to believe in marriage and having children by a certain age. Simply no. Playing by the book is a thing of the past and things that are in the past should never be dug up again. I'll drink peppermint tea before bed or if I want to, tequila. I'll go out and party until dawn every night if that is what I enjoy. I'll marry my career and give birth to societal greatness. I live to change the part of the world that is mine and partaking in gardening or any other chore that woman 'should be able to complete' won't help me do that.  

So the question is what do you want to do as a Chanel woman? And the answer should always be whatever the hell captivates your mind at that very moment. 

Outfit details:

Lace coat// Print dress// Nude heels- Dunnes Stores. 

Lipstick- Chanel.

Earrings- New Look.