Bare It All

Photo by: Kamile Kvaukaite 

Her insecurities drown her; rip and tear her apart. It's all in her mind, if only she saw herself the way the world did. 

I thought writing was supposed to get easier the more you do it. It doesn't. It gets painfully harder every single time I put pen to paper. I can't tell if it's because of the undiluted honesty it demands, the deep thinking it requires or the fact that I never know if it's any good to you or to anyone. You know, I never imagined myself as a writer but here I am, week to week, pouring out my thoughts to you, thoughts laced with constantly changing emotions. Where is this even going? 

I remember why this is so hard. I am about to open a pandora box of insecurities. But first let's stay on the surface. Compliments. I'm not a stranger to them. There's this part of me that's arrogant enough to know the effect of my smile on strangers or whatever hidden allure in my eyes that seem to draw people in. So much so that a compliment on my physical appearance irritates me. 

I'll tell you why. Being aware is different from being accepting. I don't accept the things that people find mesmerising. It's hard to get into this without seeming insecure, boastful or overconfident so I'll say this: there's danger in being a perfectionist. I can spot the imperfections even when you can't. My insidious eyes scan my appearance unemotionally. A detached part of my brain, making a list of every single thing I dislike about it. I can take myself apart like a jigsaw puzzle, piece by piece until It is hard to find the beauty in the image the jigsaw is supposed to form. 

Monitoring the fashion industry can do that to a girl. The general standard of beauty can do that to a girl. Societal views can do that to anyone. 

I'm not letting you into my mind for the sake of sympathy. Sympathy is one of the things I value least in this world. I just wanted to remind you that you're not alone. It is okay to possess insecurities but when they begin to take possession over your life, that's when you scream no. That is when you object to your mind on the grounds of relevance. 

I want to lie at the end of this article and say that all of what I've written is now in the past and I am now as confident as ever. Instead, I'll say I'm handling it.